A while back my very good friend posted a blog about her own struggles whilst observing the Hijab, and it was truly inspirational- inspirational enough for me to get writing about my own experience and challenges (although I don't think they will ever compare to her's).
As a young girl, my family had two kinds of people- the 'religious', and the more liberal, 'progressive', more cultural relatives. The latter were the more dominant bunch but the same way a little girl gets excited or looks forward to wearing or experiencing high heels or jewellery or other 'grown up' things (apologies for such a petty comparison), I was extremely keen to put on the Hijab. Seeing other older girls and women in the family wear it made me look forward to my ninth birthday. It almost seemed like a rites of passage.
So, it was my ninth birthday, there was a family dinner type of thing and I came downstairs all dressed up, but with something unusual and extra- my Hijab. Instantly I was told to go upstairs and take it off and at the time, I did as I was told. The years went by and every now and then I'd ask again if I could start wearing Hijab, and for reasons that I never understood back then, it was always postponed. When you turn 11, when you turn 12, 13...but the day when everyone in the family would happily let me wear Hijab just wouldn't come.
Looking back, although I most definitely do not agree with the reasoning of those who didn't want me to wear Hijab, I can understand their concerns. Namely that I was 9- what does a 9 year old know? Hijab was a huge decision- I say decision because it wasn't a norm in my family at the time- and 9 was just too tender an age to flit to a decision like that. After wearing Hijab I began to realise exactly why Allah (swt) had ordained girls to start observing Hijab at such a tender age- I realised that physical Hijab complimented social Hijab, it becomes a part of who you are. Apologies for the cheesy analogy but imagine a young baby plant tied to a firm, upright stick in order to direct its growth...now if that plant was allowed to grow freely for years and then the stick was tied to it, it would be near impossible for the direction of growth to change to match the stick. If the stick was tied from the beginning of growth, the plant would grow upright much more easily. The other fear was probably that I'd later regret my decision and take the Hijab off- which back then was a seemingly much bigger deal than it has become today. And lastly, I still feel like a possible reason for their stance was the possible discrimination, hindrance of career and education prospects. Anyway, as I said the years went by and still, not everyone was comfortable with the idea.
When I was 14, it was the Wiladat Fatima al Zahra (a.s) and we went to a mowlood. I wore my Hijab there because it was the norm- not with the intention of keeping it on permanently. I know a lot of people who struggle with things like Hijab or music or whatever find these kinds of holy dates or Muharram or Shahr Ramadhan useful as a turning points. They might promise themselves to stop listening to music on the 15th of Sha'ban or start wearing the Hijab when they come back from a Ziyara- but it wasn't like that for me. I hadn't thought about this date in particular, or when I would put the Hijab on- I was just waiting for approval. But that day, I have no idea why, out of the blue I just thought, 'I'm going to keep it on.' It wasn't even some kind of motivational, impulsive surge of will power or energy. It was the calmest, most peaceful decision I'd ever made. Call me overly emotional or away with the fairies, but I truly believe that Fatima al Zahra (a.s) herself gave me that little push.
When I was 14, it was the Wiladat Fatima al Zahra (a.s) and we went to a mowlood. I wore my Hijab there because it was the norm- not with the intention of keeping it on permanently. I know a lot of people who struggle with things like Hijab or music or whatever find these kinds of holy dates or Muharram or Shahr Ramadhan useful as a turning points. They might promise themselves to stop listening to music on the 15th of Sha'ban or start wearing the Hijab when they come back from a Ziyara- but it wasn't like that for me. I hadn't thought about this date in particular, or when I would put the Hijab on- I was just waiting for approval. But that day, I have no idea why, out of the blue I just thought, 'I'm going to keep it on.' It wasn't even some kind of motivational, impulsive surge of will power or energy. It was the calmest, most peaceful decision I'd ever made. Call me overly emotional or away with the fairies, but I truly believe that Fatima al Zahra (a.s) herself gave me that little push.
Drama followed. Or at least to my 14 year old self it seemed like drama. Some relatives stopped speaking to me for a while- probably to pressure me to take it off, others would try and convince me I wasn't ready- it was just a phase, or try and sway me with emotional blackmail- upsetting family members, disobeying, etc etc. It was a big deal for me- for the first time in my life, these people who I'd looked up to, obeyed, loved all my life were suddenly turning against me for reasons I didn't understand or agree with. I felt stubborn, but without choice. I remember such distinct moments when I'd be alone and I'd speak to Fatimat al Zahra (a.s) and tell her that since she was the one to give me the push to make this decision, she would have to be there with me to see it through also.
I don't mean to sound idealistic or make this a romantic sob story but honestly, when I look back at the challenges I came through, I don't know how I ended up where I am today. If I had to go through it all again, I don't think I'd manage- I think I would have given in, and that's why I have such firm belief in the help of Fatima al Zahra (a.s). I remember times when I would genuinely consider just listening to my family in order to put an end to the drama and hostility, and I don't know...every time I guess I'd remember who's obedience I was prioritising and I'd stick to my guns once again.
Alhamdulillah, after a few months of denial, cold shoulders, and some other stuff I don't want to get into, I guess they 'got over it', for lack of a better phrase. There wasn't much anyone could do. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that putting on the Hijab was the best decision I had ever made in my life. It changed everything for me. Suddenly I found myself giving more attention to praying on time, avoiding music, wanting to go to majalis, just an overall 'religious' vibe took over me. I guess it was that I felt like I had to live up to the essence of Hijab. It had become a part of who I was. One thing I noticed straight away was how my confidence shot up through the roof when I started observing Hijab. I was so much comfortable with myself, my views, what I wanted to say. Even my school teachers had noticed a change- I was usually the quiet shy girl whose feedback on parents' evenings would be that she was too silent in class and didn't input in class discussions. Suddenly I became a noticeably active participant of class debates, sometimes even staying behind to continue a philosophical chat with teachers after class ended (keen bean, I know).
I cannot say it enough- Hijab is the best thing that has happened to me. I didn't write this blog for people to admire me through the struggle, or for sympathy for it, or anything else of the sort. I wrote it because I know there are probably many girls and young (or old) women who are facing similar and probably worse problems than I did. My message: the struggle is worth it. I cannot stress enough what goodness Hijab brought into my life. I hate to imagine what I would be withouth my Hijab, only God knows. Alhamdulillah Rab-il 'alameen, I will never, ever be able to show enough gratitude for being blessed with this gift of Hijab.
Alhamdulillah, after a few months of denial, cold shoulders, and some other stuff I don't want to get into, I guess they 'got over it', for lack of a better phrase. There wasn't much anyone could do. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that putting on the Hijab was the best decision I had ever made in my life. It changed everything for me. Suddenly I found myself giving more attention to praying on time, avoiding music, wanting to go to majalis, just an overall 'religious' vibe took over me. I guess it was that I felt like I had to live up to the essence of Hijab. It had become a part of who I was. One thing I noticed straight away was how my confidence shot up through the roof when I started observing Hijab. I was so much comfortable with myself, my views, what I wanted to say. Even my school teachers had noticed a change- I was usually the quiet shy girl whose feedback on parents' evenings would be that she was too silent in class and didn't input in class discussions. Suddenly I became a noticeably active participant of class debates, sometimes even staying behind to continue a philosophical chat with teachers after class ended (keen bean, I know).
I cannot say it enough- Hijab is the best thing that has happened to me. I didn't write this blog for people to admire me through the struggle, or for sympathy for it, or anything else of the sort. I wrote it because I know there are probably many girls and young (or old) women who are facing similar and probably worse problems than I did. My message: the struggle is worth it. I cannot stress enough what goodness Hijab brought into my life. I hate to imagine what I would be withouth my Hijab, only God knows. Alhamdulillah Rab-il 'alameen, I will never, ever be able to show enough gratitude for being blessed with this gift of Hijab.
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